If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
You Might Also Like
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The answer is funnier than the question
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.