PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Left at a local drug store…
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did