If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
You Might Also Like
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.