My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
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When I grow up, I want to be 16
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
If you鈥檝e never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I鈥檓 sure it鈥檚 fine.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult馃槶
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn鈥檛 give me much info because he didn鈥檛 swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald鈥檚 has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad