When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up