John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
2022 be like
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Never ghost your hitman.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”