Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
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I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
#DesignFail
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.