My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me trying to look natural in photos
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?