Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
My wedding will be open casket.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear