teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
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Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight