*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
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sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.