When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
O Wise One….
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.