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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
How do you milk an almond?
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey