Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers