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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too