Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
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there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.