[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
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Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug