They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
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KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]