Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
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hmmm
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
This pepper has seen some shit
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.