Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Jupiter
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Phones down.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。