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Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
bought wrong eggs
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.