Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”