Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
You Might Also Like
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.