Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Usage Guidelines
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.