I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around