necessity is the mother of invention
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Straight people are cancelled
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.