can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Practicing safe sax
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I wish I were this cool 😂
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.