This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.