Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
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Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.