What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
No selfies while hijacking a train.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
A short story of betrayal:
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
🙂🐾
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best