If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
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Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
This is I, Robot all over again
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Watson was Holmes schooled
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.