Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
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Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs