nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
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My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Meow?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”