The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
rich people when they have to pay taxes
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question