Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar