There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
For the baby who has everything
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.