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My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
as is their right
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
All excellent questions
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.