women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
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brian had himself a morning…
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
we’re dead?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Just me?
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car