Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.