Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
#SaturdayBears
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way