After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
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Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
“I’m helping” 😅
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.