dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
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Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?