Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
bro what is going on at twitter
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
what the
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.