#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
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Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.