I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once