If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
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He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Seems legit
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
LOL!
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive