[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
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date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.