DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
greetings!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe