Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
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Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy