*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
That’s incredible! 👌
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
is this a warning or an offer?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.